mafiadotorgfandomcom-20200213-history
Mafia Gazette Past Issue 93
The Mafia Gazette Issue 93 For All The News That Is News (E&OE) Weekender Edition: News Free For Your Enjoyment Saturday 24th June 'THE SHRINK ' By: HeavyweightHammer, The Gazette’s New Scientific Reporter. What is The Shrink? Is it that unfortunate experience so many of us have had when the water was less than tepid? Well, no. Rather than postulate “what is The Shrink”, we should really ask “who is The Shrink?”. He is not, as one might have wondered by now, the unlucky recipient of a boiler failure at an inopportune moment in the communal showers, but more accurately is described as the guest speaker to deliver the distinguished seminar at the Convention of Psychiatry Professionals (or CPP). I had my work cut out for me this time: the topic was ‘Propensities to Violent Crime’. Not a firm believer in the ‘Psycho-mumbo-jumbo’ that can spew forth from the mouth of a psychiatrist, I had always been more a proponent of the biological point of view to diseases of persona and, in any case, didn’t particularly consider the tendency towards criminal activity to be a ‘disease state’ – having partaken in such activities myself. The psychiatrists would call this ‘self denial’, but I wasn’t going to give them the opportunity. Dressed in a long classic custard-coloured trench coat, and sporting the stubble of a newly acquired psychiatrist’s goatee beard as a disguise, I filed into the lecture theatre amongst the other attendees and took my seat to await the start of the convention. It was a long wait. The Shrink, or the organisers, – I still am not sure which – decided that it would be best to allow the assembled crowd to simmer. By this time, the masses had become anxious and the anticipation of the key speaker’s arrival was electric in the air. Unable to help myself, I too found myself becoming impatient. At the 5th glance of my pocket watch, a thunderous applause made me lift my head. A balding and seemingly unremarkable man was striding forth onto the stage to take the podium. He had gained widespread acclaim amongst his profession through his psychoanalysis of jailed Mafiosi. With a certain arrogance that can only be attributed to someone completely self-assured of his own righteousness, the 58-year-old Professor began his lecture and silence abruptly seized the vast crowd as their attention focused keenly upon even the very enunciation of every word to pass the speaker’s lips. His ‘magnum opus’, I must say, was unextraordinary. To surmise his dissertation in a single sentence: “Members of the Mafia have been observed to demonstrate criminal tendencies.” Bravo. I proffered slow, sarcastic claps that were lost amongst the thunderous applause of the lackeys that unashamedly attempted to ingratiate themselves to an unremarkable man of seemingly vast importance. Why he was so celebrated, is beyond comprehension. He paused to take questions and I amused myself by angling my pocket watch so as to reflect an irritating beam of light upon his brow. He concluded his response to his last question and swooped from the stage to be surrounded by his entourage of ‘research staff’ and ‘personal assistants’. Many of the lecture attendees were now filing out of the convention centre, but I remained steadfast in my seat – considering myself fortunate to have evaded detection as a participant of Organized Crime as I glanced down at my programme guide to the title of the next lecture. “They live in your eyes: a comprehensive review of the voices who are our masters. – Presented by Drs P. Nutt and W.D. Glue.” I hand my notes to Edmund, a whip-trained assistant I had surgically altered to resemble Bing Crosby, who loyally ran my near-illegible scribbles back to my New York Study and laid them upon my desk next to my typewriter. And so I sat in my chair, for some reason daydreaming about what wicked substances could be whipped up by the fusion of peanut butter and wood glues… Certainly, a sandwich made with such a filling would be an excellent remedy to the breakdown of Omerta in a modern Mafia society. I made a mental note to find volunteers for such an experiment to be conducted at the earliest opportunity. 'DALLAS SERIAL-STREAKER BACK AT LARGE ' By John Milton The Dallas streaker known only as Squire has escaped from his jail cell, in a revealing dawn raid apparently by a naked band of his followers. Police were so bewildered when 30 naked men in balaclavas stormed the Police Precinct, that they never had time to draw their guns before being overpowered and piled into their own jail cells. In a final act of defiance, the Police Chief was stripped naked and tied to a lamp post outside the Precinct, with the words “Squire, huzzah!” scrawled across his back in strawberry red lipstick. A Police spokesman is calling the incident “an absolute outrage”, and issues a statement urging members of the public not to approach this naked fiend, now ranking him as “nude and dangerous”. More details to follow as they reach us. 'THE REAL WORD ON THE STREET ' He says, “The word on the street is… Cooter is now doing stand-up comedy. She claims her “paper” to be superior to the Gazette. HAR.” He says, “The word on the street is… MST is reforming his ways. It’s true. He hasn’t spammed for three hours.” He says, “The word on the street is… Rosario was seen down at the blood bank, donating for the $15 and free cookie. A Rosario-aid concert is being arranged for next weekend.” He says, “The word on the street is… Jimmeh was seen slumped behind his NY bar in a drunken stupor, losing thousands of dollars in profits when John Milton sat pouring beer into his mouth directly from the pump in his absence.” He says, The word on the street is… Gabriella’s “bunny” is actually an iguana with bunny ears stapled to its head.” 'EDITORIAL ' A Rebuttal – Accusations Of Lies I realize that this is Saturday, and everyone is settling in to read their non-news edition of The Gazette, but I have a little something to clear up from the last issue. There were two opposing camps both accusing The Gazette of having false information in two of its articles. The first came from several NMO/LVC representatives, but their accusations did not carry any specific claims that I could answer for them, it was more general abuse hurled at the Gazette with no real backing of any kind. If they wish to hurl such accusations, I’m sure the public would appreciate them following through with a decent explanation in future. The most specific resistance came from NY Made Woman Rosario Porello, who fiercely denied the killing of Guiseppe Morello, stating that she wasn’t even in the city at the time. Now, whilst this is a lovely tale, it is not what she said to me in an exchange of letters about the subject. And I quote: “The simple truth is you responded to rumours that I had killed him, I don't see how they came about other than the fact that I was in New York at the time, but what do you expect? That is my home city and it was rather close to my bed time.” Now, I’ll take an excerpt from a public speech by Rosario later that day: "Indeed I am a murderer, I won't deny that. However, I will deny killing Guiseppe_Morello as it never actually happened. And actually, I wasn't in the city at the time of the murder. Granted, I flew in afterwards to see if there were any likely suspects.” Now, I’m no detective, but surely to any member of our community, this completely contradicts Rosario’s previous statement? And if she can lie about this, she can obviously lie about the killing itself. After the public displays of innocence on the streets, Gazette Editor-in-chief Carmela DeAngelis was kidnapped by Rosario, who then sent her a note asking her if she would please not mention the kidnapping, due to the negative press. I have that note here for your reading pleasure, as well as scribblings from Carmela’s notepad regarding the kidnapping times: Jun 21 3:14.12 PM You were released by your kidnapper. Jun 21 1:41.18 PM You were kidnapped. Jun 21 1:41.12 PM You got away from a kidnapper. Jun 21 1:41.06 PM You got away from a kidnapper. “From: Rosario_Porello I'd really, really appreciate it if you didn't mention ze kidnapping. I was going to ask you about the gazette and what not, but I've decided I have had enough publicity and I don't need anymore” Now, once again, I am no detective, merely a humble Gazette Editor, but even I can relate this sorry state of affairs to Aesop’s fable, The Boy Who Cried Wolf. How the public are meant to swallow these lies blindly and accept Rosario’s version of events, that the Gazette is lying, and she either was or wasn’t in the city at the time (depending on what mood you catch her in), is completely beyond me. So I would like to take this opportunity to once again point out that the Gazette does not print stories based merely on rumour alone, we pride ourselves here on our investigative journalism. 'OBITUARIES ' New Obituaries Coordinator: Gabriella @~@~@~@~ Father_John_II Born: Apr 24th 06 6:33PM in Chicago Died: Jun 23rd 06 11:18PM in Dallas Rank: Gangster Quotes from funeral attendees: DirtyBert : Rest in peace. John_Milton : I guess they said "Ni!" again to you... Why did you not appease them? CUT THE TREE DOWN WITH THE FISH! @~@~@~@~ mad_jack Born: May 27th 06 12:55AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 22nd 06 1:50AM in Los Angeles Rank: Earner Quotes from funeral attendees: DirtyBert : Rest in peace. Jellhoman : RIP matey! He looks so drunk!... beautiful! I’ll never have a minion quite like you! Here bud... This drink is for you! @~@~@~@~ RoccoBambino Born: May 12th 06 7:41PM in Las Vegas Died: Jun 22nd 06 4:25PM in Las Vegas Rank: Street Boss Quotes from funeral attendees: DeathAngel: Boss.. I'm so sorry i couldnt do nothin'. You helped me so much through the beginning, and now this. I hope your son gets ahold of me so i can return the favor. Rest in peace my old friend. LeroyJones: uneeded...a good man to say the least. RIP @~@~@~@~ Don_SLIQUE Born: Mar 31st 06 8:27AM in New York Died: Jun 23rd 06 9:41AM in Chicago Rank: Made Man Quotes from funeral attendees: Rocky-The-Squirrel: Man, I am truely saddened to see my oldest friend in this world go like this.. Even though we were always on opposite sides of the fence, I always respected you slique. R.I.P dude, and dont worry, Ill will catch up to your mark. D-V-S: RIP my darling Sliqueypoo!! Gabriella: Rest In Peace Old friend. Teh_Kungster : slique, you were a great, great man. the community will miss ya RIP @~@~@~@~ WhiteLightning Born: Jun 17th 06 4:14PM in Las Vegas Died: Jun 22nd 06 3:17PM in Los Angeles Rank: Thug Quotes from funeral attendees: W1tchy: WTF that had nothing to do with my family, despite what the killer chose to whisper. RIP AssortedI: RIP buddy. Grande had nothing to do with you death bud. Mr-Smith : RIP pal. Sorry to see you go. @~@~@~@~ Luca-Pilessepe Born: Jun 23rd 06 2:40AM in Los Angeles Died: Jun 23rd 06 2:40AM in Los Angeles Rank: Citizen Amahagane_Heikane: I think that is definitely the shortest lived life on mafia.. unfortunate. RIP MagicalTrevorJr: This has to be some kind of record! RIP though :( 'CLASSIFIEDS ' Classified ads still to be sent to John Milton. 16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC) Neri Construction and Building Works Based in our Warehouse in New York, our company promises to deliver only the best in Bar Construction and Design. With a requirement that every customer fills out a questionnaire, Neri Construction and Building works have established a successful process for finding out what our customers really want and then delivering them the best. At a fixed rate of 500k per bar, we offer a competitive rate in a burgeoning Market. Examples of our work can be seen all across the Western Sea-Board. Interested? Then please don't hesitate to contact Albert-Neri for a quotation and we'll get to work right away, creating an establishment that will make you the envy of your friends and colleagues, as the owner of the coolest joint in town! 16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC)16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC) 16:01, February 16, 2013 (UTC) Horses for sale. Quality breeds, with good form. Mail for further information. John Milton.